I know I said this wouldn't be a mommy blog, I might have lied. I am still not sure! I do want to do a little series of Kennedy's Moments though. In this series (ha, that sounds serious and professional...I assure you, it's not!) I wanted to recap the road we took before Kennedy was born. Just to document my thoughts, feelings, desires, fears, whatever else I feel like sharing on our journey to becoming parents. So here is the first installment of Kennedy's Moments: The Decision.
We had talked about having a baby since before we were married. Obviously we knew we would wait until we were married and we decided the timing was right (when is it ever right? It's true when people say never.) We were married in May 2010 and babies were the furthest thing from my mind. I was really enjoying being a newlywed and the life we had with our furbabies. Then I got a call from my sister...she was pregnant! For those who might not know I am the oldest sister, then comes my middle sister and baby sister. So for me it was always just assumed that I would be the first to have a baby, I mean I am the oldest, so it only makes sense. I was very confused emotionally with my sisters news, partially because "aren't I supposed to be the one having a baby?" and partially because of my sisters situation (which isn't my story to tell.)
After a while, maybe a month or so I came to grips that I would not be the one giving my parents their first grandchild. I would not be the one to give my Grandmother her first great grandchild (this might have been harder to swallow than giving my parents their first grandchild...I am my Grandmothers first grandchild and we always talk about how special of a bond we have because of that.) I would be a kick ass aunt though! I was over the moon excited to have a niece on the way and hey, I would be the one to give my in laws their first grandchild so that's pretty cool!
Except that I wasn't.
We moved to East Texas in November 2010 and in December decided that we would not necessarily TRY for a baby, but if it happened we would be more than ready for one!
*Disclaimer: I do not want the rest of this post to be misunderstood. We were very blessed to have such an easy time getting pregnant. I cannot imagine the pain many couples go through. With that being said, I was very naive and my thoughts during this time reflect that of a young woman who truly did not know better.* Our friends and family were constantly asking "So when can we expect a baby?!" And I would lie, lie, lie..."Oh, we are not even close to being ready for that!" "Ugh, not for a while, no thank you!" It was something I felt was too sacred to share with anyone but Clayton. I didn't want anyone to know, didn't want to have to answer more questions. I am still happy with this decision. In December my period did not come. I was over a week late. I took a pregnancy test...negative. I waited another week...negative. And another week...negative again. I decided I needed to see my doctor. I made an appointment and we discussed everything that had been going on. She did not find anything and gave me a medication to jump start my period. I still do not know what really happened, but regardless it felt awful.
Fast forward to the last week in February. My sister is going to be induced in one week! I am so excited I cannot believe I am going to become an aunt in one week. I was spending the day in Dallas with my sister, helping her tie up a few last minute things...like shopping at Target, when I get a phone call from my sister in law...she hasn't had her period in what she thinks might be a few months. She has me ask my sister some early pregnancy symptoms thinking she might be experiencing some. I tell her to get a test and just find out! On my way back home that evening sis in law calls back...I am going to be an aunt, again! We talked for 45 minutes or so and I tell her how excited I am for her...and I truly mean it! It isn't until the phone call ends that I start to feel sorry for myself. I won't be the one giving my in laws their first grandchild. I am not pregnant. Maybe I can't get pregnant. Life isn't fair. I was born to be a mother, I guess I'll just have to settle for aunt. I realize how irrational all of these thoughts were, but really you can't ask a woman to be rational all the time!
I had a week to feel sorry for myself. Then on March 3rd my niece was born and everything was alright in my world again. I was optimistic about having a baby and was at peace with the thought of it'll happen when it is meant to happen. And boy that thought could not have been more right! On March 22nd I took a test...
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